Loser

No no, we're WINNERS here! Winners of the internet:

ARC: "gmail is fucking up and it makes me murderous." In an email to me, 9 June 2006

ARC: "i hope my future husband likes to exercise, bc he is going to need it with all the baking..." In an email to me, 26 June 2006

Serena: " I hope I never have a two-headed anything. It will be hard to love." In an email to me, 17 July 2006

Anna: "DON'T TAKE YOUR ISSUES OUT ON ME! I SUBSCRIBE TO ENOUGH MAGAZINES!" In an email to me, 18 July 2006

Scarlet (Anna said I won!): "i hope they rent it to a UK-based male modeling company." In an email to Anna, 4 August 2006

Steven: "HAHAHAHHA How many times have we had a conversation about how much we hate shaking hands?" In an IM to me, 3 September 2006

Steven: "...here is a scenario for you to ponder: While you are watching tennis and listening to Scottish music, your doorbell rings. Although annoyed you have to leave the match to answer it, all is forgotten when you see through the peephole that it's Brad Pitt walking a puppy called Calculus. As you open the door, Brad says, "Let's go kick some seventh grade cunt ass. But after that, we have to hurry to the airport because I have tickets for us to Connecticut. Oh, and here's a venti iced caramel macchiato from Starbucks." Once in Connecticut, Brad takes you shopping at Yale, several music stores for the instruments of your choice, J. Crew, and burns down three Barnes and Nobles along the way."In an email to me, 18 September 2006 (Yes, I'm very late posting it, but it made my day so it still deserves to win.

• Scarlet: there's nothing i want a phd in

  Steven: PhD in fall fashion

  Scarlet: phd in LAYERS

  Scarlet: or PUPPIES

  IMing 12 November 2006

Senor: Beavis: Can anyone besides Steven win the Internet?Just wanted to know so I can adjust my level of effort accordingly.

Senor Beavis, in a comment to me 16 November 2006

Serena: "It's really sad when I look forward to being able to go to the back and pull my wedgie out of my butt."

Serena in an IM to me, 3 December 2006

"i couldn't cut out the word "cunt" with government scissors..."Allie in an email to me, 3 January 2007

"enjoy your cunt book club...now there's a phrase I never thought I'd ever say"
Matt in an gmail chat to me, 19 January 2007

"APA can be fun in a geeky way. It was always my favorite part of papers."
Steven in an email to me, 4 April 2007

"you probably already are!" Dorian, in an email response to me saying I want to be a cross between Rory and Lorelai on 8 May 2007

"and we talked about my issues with sex and tennessee " A friend, in an AIM to me on 21 May 2007

"like tiger-maul that ho" Ali in a gmail chat to me. 27 June 2007

"that is pure gold. pure, satanical, gold. i love you." Ali in an email to me, 9 July 2007

"My doormat says 'leave'." Serena in an email to me, 1 August 2007

"i dont wanna get married and probably bc i know most of my clothes are not clean,ha." Me, in an email to Serena on 16 August 2007

"You'll soon become the trashy friend I look up to ;)" Serena, in a gmail chat to me on 10 September 2007

"me: i *heart* Brody Ali: who is brody? if you mean brody jenner, you're crazy" Me and Ali in a gmail chat, 17 October 2007

"Yeah...going out a hard decision sometimes. Would help if free and could teleport to comfy bed at drop of a hat and automatically get free sleep hours." Serena, to me in an IM, 3 January 2008

"There will be NO pastels at my wedding." Me, in a gmail chat to Vanessa. 8 February 2008

"I called out of work to have sex" Anonymous June 2008

I Just Wanna Live

Excited for the start of 2006 for many reasons (what, 49 days til my birthday?) but the one we will focus on today is this: This Book Will Change Your Life Again!.

365 things to do....365 days in the year. Do the math.

So today is a warm-up day, according to the book. I am to choose from the following tasks in order to change my life:

- Lose one ounce in weight (*I can do this)
-Basejump off a chair (*consider it done)
-Donate your baby teeth to science (don't have those teeth anymore)
-Save the life of an ant (If I find an ant in the middle of winter then I will definitely try to save it's life)
-Tell your deepest secret to the talking clock (talking clock?)
-Go on a one-man protest (*against Barnes and Noble? Might work but I have a feeling I'll have followers)
-Make a small dream come true (broad, and doable)
-Sow one seed of anarchy (*again, BN)
-Dye your hair it's natural color (it already is)
-Watched a different TV channel (*easy)
-Eliminate avocados from your diet (*Um, already done)
- Gamble $1 on a horse (probably won't happen)
-Write the first letter of a novel (*can do)
-Graffiti with pencil (*YES!)
-Join a sect part-time (hmmm)
-Get a microscopic tattoo (ha, I wish, remember that Friends episode?)
-Clear out your belly fluff (*ew, fluff?)
-Sexually harass yourself (pass)

Time to start Day 1. HAPPY NEW YEAR, by the way.