The Real Story

It only aired once.

The E! True Hollywood Story: I Was A Czech Princess. It was 1993 and we were still used to putting 'oslovakias' after our Czechs. Mom got me a fake so I was able to enter the pageant scene as a 13 year old but no one would have cared had they known. Everyone loves the little American girl with the royal Eastern European blood. I had a tough time with the language though which made the interview portion of the evening a bit tough but I just learned the Czech words for “world peace” and I was golden. Talent was probably my highest scoring part of the competition as no one could touch my rendition of The Moldeau on the electric guitar. I debated going acoustic but the second solo really pulls at the heartstrings and nothing but electric can do it justice.

My first season of Czech pageantry started off well but ended in a spiral of drunken debauchery and steamy nights with pageant officials but what else is a good E! True Hollywood Story about? Really, I blame my royal duties for causing me to lose a grip on things. I was alternating weekends of polo with the Queen Mum and learning dance routines for the final number of the Miss Czech show. I was at fashion shows in Milan on a Friday and back in Prague for bathing suit fittings the next morning. It all got to be too much so when Miss South Moravian offered me what looked like candy, I couldn’t say no (sorry, Mrs. Reagan). One pill turned into quite a few washed down with quite a few more pilsners. And what comes with being numb to the world? Well, for me it apparently was sleeping with a certain Hollywood actor/pageant host. I guess that’s where E! comes in.

I was starting to become bitter about my royal blood. I mean, it was hardly any at all and it was causing so many problems. It wasn’t my fault the entire Czech royal family was killed in a freak family portrait accident and that they found out I had like, 8% royal blood. I thought it would be fun to be a Czech princess. How can anything involving a tiara be bad? Well, it was. But I guess my royal duties aren’t what these Hollywood Stories are made of or they’d be called E! True Royalty Stories, right?

So by then I was 14 (yet everyone thought I was turning 19) and having quite the illicit affair with Joe La-…maybe I should give him a fake name-Byron. Byron and I were happy but now that I look back I can’t really be sure if it was the romance or the pills. Doesn’t really matter though because everything was about to come crashing down. The pageant, the tiara, Byron. I thought Miss South Moravian was my friend but she was so the Tonya Harding of the Miss Czech Pageant. (to be continued)