Espionage

Dear CIA,

You may or may not already know who I am. Several things could have led you to me including a simple internet search as well as my many attempts to bring your attention to me. But just in case, I wanted to let you know what's been going on with me and most importantly, what I did today and why you should care.

Since I refuse to believe NO ONE at the CIA uses google when they're feeling lazy about their research, it is quite possible for an agent to have happened upon this blog. Say one of them is supposed to be profiling a Russian spy but instead is distracted by their upcoming blind date that night and can't concentrate on their translations of the newspaper. Instead, they open up Firefox, head to Google and enter, "SVR spy," maybe hoping to happen upon a Russian spy who dabbles a little in writing, or a Sluzhba Vneshney Razvedki (SVR) agent who can't keep his or her mouth shut. Whatever his hopes, the search yields some interesting results. And there you go, way number one for the CIA to have found me.

Also, in the past, I have taken any and every opportunity for you to become aware of me. These times include when my sister took me back to the CIA site near Warrenton after learning about its location when she delivered flowers there one day last summer. We drove by and I yelled my Social Security Number out for you along with my full name, both of which I am certain were recorded on some sort of listening device disguised to look like a tree or something. Another day, some friends and I made a movie. Maybe you've heard of it, Reader's Advantage? Anyway, the film is not only all about espionage but we even drove by Langley for inspiration and I took the opportunity to once again yell out my name and Social Security Number. I'm sure the guard has my picture on file somewhere, too.

I believe you may also have come to know me through my emails. There have been many news stories in the past few days about the NSA collecting phone calls so it's entirely possible you're in my gmail, too. (It's fine, though, I don't mind.) If so, there is no doubt in my mind you have read the countless emails talking about my love of America, the CIA, and again, my SSN dropping when deemed timely.

So why am I writing you, CIA? Because today I was a hero in my office and not only did I show bravery but I also displayed what can only be described as innate spy skills. You see, the women's upstairs bathroom was compromised at roughly 1100 and with no one else to call, I stepped up to what I considered my duty (not to be confused with doodie.) Somehow the door was locked with no one on the inside and an office full of water-drinking females had already begun to sweat at the thought of using the "other restroom" which is synonymous with gross and/or males.

I have some experience with picking locks, though. Back when I worked at the swim club I routinely broke into the anonymous suggestion box to remove all of the nasty comments my sister and I left about our horrible manager, written in the heat of the moment but obviously a potential detriment to our jobs (anonymous or not.) So I used my previous experience combined with what I believe is my innate spy knowledge to skillfully use an extended paperclip to pick the lock. It only took a few moments after my initial assessment to bring our bathroom freedom back and as one of my coworkers said, "God bless you, Scarlet. God bless you."

So, CIA, I write to you today to make certain you are aware of me and also to bring your attention to my obvious lock-picking skills and desire to use them for good and not evil. So, if you have any locks that need picking or packages picked up overseas, or maybe something translated (but you'll need to teach me the language first), then please, give me a call. I am confident you already have my number...*wink**wink*


XO,
SVR (not the Russian spy agency, but you already knew that, right?)