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Friday, August 18, 2006

Try Telling That To My Baby

Apparently I'm 12.

So two women in the past month have gone on maternity leave here at my office and one was scheduled to have a C-section today. To make the story shorter, she will be having the baby naturally because it "dropped on it's own." You know, the "head was 'here' and now it's 'here'."* I have no idea what this baby terminology means, but have to keep playing along because apparently, as a female, I am supposed to know these things. Nevermind that I have never had a baby nor have any of my close friends or family members in the past few years. My baby knowledge comes from 40+ undergraduate biology credits where I was never taught about things like baby dropping and dilating**, but can tell you about meiosis and mitosis and a whole heck of a lot of the biology of cancer if you're interested. Oh, and bugs. I know a lot about entomology.

OK, I am seriously digressing. The point is, I don't know all of the day-to-day type things about pregnancy, childbirth, and babies, but you know what? That's ok since I've NEVER HAD A BABY. People act like I'm stupid when I don't know. I assure you, I am not stupid. Immature sometimes? Maybe, but stupid? Oh no...Moving on:

So baby talk is in the air here and with that comes babymaking talk. But not in the, "You will not believe what I did in the backseat of a '89 Buick Le Sabre last night!" variety and more of the "My husband and I..." spice where the word "s-e-x" is never used. Stuff like, "We're not trying not to have one" and "When we used to take measures to not get pregnant" which is just a nice way to say "We bone." It makes me giggle***, though, because really what these people are telling me is about their sex lives just in a really nice and not graphic way. It amuses me how, as soon as it's "babymaking" and not "s-e-x," it's appropriate for the workplace. "Dilating," though is still a word we need to replace with something MUCH nicer, and so far I haven't heard the word "episiotomy" used and if I do, I'm quitting. Oh wait, I ALREADY DID!!!!!!



*If I were telling you this in person I would first point to the side of my stomach and then point to a more vertical position, but wait, you know what? Let's use a diagram for this. I don't want to be the model.
**Yes, duh, I know about dilating, but what I honestly didn't know was that women walk around like that! Like, for days. I thought that stuff all happened in the hospital. Yikes!
***Inwardly. I'm not that bad.

12 comments:

dara said...

Ick.

All the babymaking/birthing talk grosses me out. It's like the locker room talk of the mid-30's set.

I still think it's TMI.

Miss Scarlet said...

Yeah, call me a prude, but it's a subject I plan on keeping private.

Anonymous said...

In four years of working at Liberty, TEN people I worked with had babies. (Actually 11, but the last one was a guy, and he didn't really talk about dilation or baby positioning.) And I considered most of those 10 people some of my closest friends. As a result I got to hear about every gory detail. I usually tried to play along like I knew exactly what they were talking about because the few times I admitted to my ignorance they all looked at me like I had two heads. I agree with you...why in the hell would I study up on this stuff when I've never had a baby. I think it should be considered wierd if a single person with no kids DOES know about all this stuff because that kind of alludes to a picture of them sitting around reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" just for the fun of it.

Miss Scarlet said...

Cindy- I know! I know the basics like everyone should, but you're so right, I don't sit around reading Family/Childcare books.

lala said...

i'm a baby hater. which sucks, since all of my friends are having them now.

get this...one of my friends has an almost three year old. she and i are bff with a friend who is having a baby in november. said pregnant friend took mother of three year old to register with her since "she knows" (ie she's a mom). long story short (but not nearly as bitchy or interesting), mother friend and i are going to go in together on pregnant friend's gift. while i am busy slaving away all day for the man, mother friend stays at home and plays all day with three year old. thus, could go to store and pick up gifts if she so desired. she did not. instead, i had to rearrange my schedule no less than 742 times so we could go together (because i LOVE babies r us).

anyway...it turns out tar-jay has the same stuff! woohoo. so i said, "hey, mother, since it's so hard for us to coordinate [ahem i have a life] why don't i take the babies r us registry to target and just get the stuff?"

her response? "you won't be able to figure it out."

crickets.

"um, it can't be that hard. i am not stupid. there are brand names and pictures."

"i think it would be better if i came with you."

um, excuse me?

she went by herself. because i'm stupid.

Anonymous said...

I must say, that unlike you Lala, I am a baby-lover. I consider myself an Aunt to a couple of the kids who have been born to my friends in the past year and a half. I've got pictures of them plastered all over the refridgerator like they are my family members. However, I HATE REGISTRIES. (And that goes for wedding registries too.) I go thinking I'm going to quickly pick up a couple of things off the list, and then I either can't find the stuff, or the price is different from the paper and what I want to buy is actually $49.99, not $19.99. I have completely stopped using baby registries, and I have started making presents for the moms-to-be. (Sappy, and dorky, I know...but so much more enjoyable to craft than to fight the urge to decapitate someone while shopping at Babys-R-Us.)

lala said...

cindy...maybe i am not so much a baby hater (bc i, too, think they're the cutest and love spoiling them and have their pictures up on my fridge) as much as a i am a obnoxious stay at home mom hater. yes, that's what it is. like babies. hate moms.

Miss Scarlet said...

Oh man, I wish I was a stay at home mom FO SHIZZLE!

Anonymous said...

right now I'm a stay at home bum, which has to be better than a mom because I only have to cook for me ;)

Anonymous said...

yeah, its gross... and really, somehow, unless its your best girlfriend, not really something to be talking about- especially at work. But once you become a Mommy [so i'm told] nothing is gross anymore

Miss Scarlet said...

Cindy- It sounds lovely! Except, I'm guessing, when the bills come=/

Connie- I am going to try to still be grossed out by things after I have a baby.

Ant- Hahha I agree. When joking, it's a whole other matter!

Anonymous said...

Excellent, love it!
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