My mind has me confused. And I apologize in advance for having one of those "secrets" where I declare something I can't reveal, but I promise it's not for attention or empowerment. I think, honestly, I can't even wrap my thinking around this so sharing it would be near impossible. Every so often something reminds me of my conundrum and then the battle between black and white, hot and cold, sweet and spicey takes off and I've lost before I have even realized a battle is taking place. Imagine, if you will, two sides fighting for your vote and one is correct and one is, by default, incorrect*. But no matter how well you know both sides, you aren't sure which one is lying. At any time in the day, one side is easier or more enjoyable to believe but just a moment later everything is questionable. It's exhausting to an already tired brain. I've pretty much been up since 4am today and have had quite the stressful day mostly from work-related things going on combined with the ever-present, "OMG, I need to win the lottery!" problem.
I just know something's off when I'm driving home and a chord-change in a Mogwai song could be enough to make me cry. Ugh, that's so fucking emo it makes me sick! I've got to blame the lack of sleep. Lack of sleep puts me into such a tailspin, and it's unfortunate since my alternate answer to the lottery problem is working more at my part-time job. But it's hard to rationalize that being worth it when we could get a repeat of "Kill Me" Tuesdays.
I hope to get some moment of clarity and truth in regards to my "conundrum" before I turn into a Dashboard Confessional-loving, whiny little emo bitch.
*No, this is nothing political. Guiliani all the way for this girl!