I've never laughed so much in an orchestra as I do now. Ok, I've already messed up because actually, my college orchestra was hilarious and I got in trouble just about every rehearsal for laughing and missing entrances. But I digress, my current orchestra is really effing hilarious. I often can't get through these rehearsals without laughing "out loud" (*groan*) or texting Ali or Serena with something funny that just happened.
The Cast of Characters:
Maestro- I would link to his page but I'm already worried someone will find this and read it. He's a very good conductor and I've learned a lot from his techniques and practice methods. Another thing I have learned from him is that if you're going to get spiced (perspire), a black shirt is ideal as to not distract the orchestra. Also, hair in the eyes is quite annoying to both you and us. Just decrease the time in between trims and we'll all be happier.
Crazy Bassoon Lady- I don't care if this bitch reads my blog because I can't stand her and I don't think she likes me either. I knew her in high school and she's still weird. She was married last year but now doesn't have a ring on so I've deduce she either killed her husband or he wised up and left her. She is extremely dramatic, thinks she is God's gift to classical music, and makes certain we all know when her passages are in a high range. She's also extremely irritating and answers her cell phone during practice and laughs really loudly at her dad's bad jokes. Oh and she "lost 50 pounds" but I'm still not sure from where because she has always been thinner than a rail.
Crazy Percussionist- We can't keep a percussion section because CPG drives them all away. He makes really bad, obvious, NOT FUNNY jokes and then laughs at them. Yes, laughs at his own bad jokes. More annoying than that, though, is that when he is told he missed an entrance or play a part incorrectly, he has to have an excuse: "OH well I had to switch mallots!" "OH hehehe, I was at the gong and needed the snare." What he doesn't get is that we don't care. Just play the part.
Oboe Girl- One time my stand partner said, "I'm glad we have you and not her...you're quiet and play your part." I took that asa great compliment because to be contrasted with OG is very kind. OG is probably 17 but still has not gotten an ounce of maturity. Maestro asks her a simple question, "You playing 1st or 2nd?" and she guffaws and spits out, "I didnt realize I would be playing alone there and it came out...Oh wow! 1st part is hard!" And Maestro doesn't skip a beat with, "1st part, thank you." I think she knows I hate her and give her the evil eye from behind because every once and awhile she turns around like she can feel the hatred I'm radiating towards her. My bad!
The Jew- I hope noone is offended by naming this woman "The Jew" but she really is Jewish. This lady is a sweetheart and really loves music but she cracks me up with her questions: "Do we upbow here where it says upbow?" and also that she keeps a pencil tucked into her hair-I love that, it's so eccentric.
Dr.Quinn- i know what you're thinking: Dr. Quinn is in an orchestra? I thought she was busy saving Colorado Springs from Smallpox!! But no, she's in my orchestra. One time she even had to use her medical knowledge to make sure a flute player was okay when she fell off the riser. I wish Sully would stop by though, he's hott.
The Smokers- This couple is cute in a way because you imagine then having romantic smoke breaks together but then gross at the same time when you imagine what everything they own smells like. And she gets on my nerves because she plays the viola like she's sawing a tree. Figures though, from a viola player-the red-headed step child of the orchestra.
The French Horn Section- "Where are we?"
The Real Twins- These girls must be 16 now and have JUST now started venturing into the world of not dressing alike. My stand partner used to make fun of them, it was hilarious because he's like, my dad's age and making fun of teenagers.
The Fake Twins- These two freak me out because one is 15 or so and one is at least 30 yet they are INSEPERABLE! And they are always touching each other's hair. And when they see each other after not seeing each other for a week, they run up to each other and hug. I try to stay away from them.
I guess that's all for now...I could really go on and on about everyone.